It is official. I broke off the engagement, I broke off the relationship (for now). He didn’t want it, of course not, he was treating me like I was his mother, I was the bill payer, the nay sayer, the grump that was too stressed out and unhappy. You may say I am selfish, but we only have one life to live; and my life will not be spent unhappy, unrecognized and in an emotional abusive relationship. I will not be told I am lazy, when in fact, I drive 2 hours a day for my son to pick him up and drop him off, I go to work from 8-5 and attend the gym three times a week. So sue me if I want to relax at the end of the day and not do the dishes! Sue me if I don’t feel like having a long conversation about how I don’t show my emotions. I am done. And this is my life. And I am showing my son what it means to be strong and brave. Because I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore, and I don’t want to feel like I am STUCK and SUFFOCATING in this relationship. What’s worse? Being in an unloving relationship and showing you son that what you care about doesn’t matter? Or leaving that unloving relationship to pursue happiness, especially when you know that you can provide so much for him without that extra weight? Look, I might be a bitch, I might come across as someone who thinks she is better than the other person. I didn’t leave right out of the blue, like he claims. He was oblivious. I asked, I begged for him to step up and change, I asked him to help out more- to pick up his son ONCE a week to allow me some time to just go home and relax, but it wouldn’t happen. I asked him to save his money so we could move out of the ghetto and afford something better. But, what happened? He went and bought more toys, putting himself into debt. Yes, I helped, I am an enabler… I figured, what the hell, let him have his toy so he isn’t sulking around here ruining the vibe. He is easier to be around when he gets his way. But I am done with that. I have been contemplating this break for 2.5 years, I have spoken about my worries, maybe not to the extent I am sharing now, but I have brought them up, and they were somewhat recognized and then pushed under the rug.

So, I am ruining someone’s life, his life. And I should put aside my life and happiness and future so he isn’t sad. Well, I have been sad and depressed and upset for far too long. The light has literally been drained from me. And I can’t keep putting him before myself. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face, because this is so painful. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. And I am feeling feelings I haven’t let myself feel in a VERY long time.

yes, this is hard. yes this is painful. but you know what I see at the end of the tunnel? Happiness, and a second chance at living life the way I want. I see my son growing up in a nice neighborhood, because I can provide that without the extra stress of a partner who wouldn’t have been able to help make that possible. [And maybe you think, well  if you could afford it, why didn’t you just do it and let your partner pay partial until he was able to get a better job? And the answer is, because I have given him so much, that I have so much resentment toward him, I couldn’t bare the thought of moving us out of a place and paying thousands more than he could afford, or hundreds more, and still see that I am stuck, that I have NO freedom, and yet he gets to go out fishing for 16 hours every weekend, while I get a measly 4 hours to myself and then I am told that I wasted my time and am not bringing anything to the family.] But what I see for my son is getting into a good school, I see him learning to look for a strong woman for himself, I see things going up.

So onward and upward in this journey we call life. I am opening a new chapter, and as scared as I am, I am so excited.

I haven’t shut the door completely on my ex, he will always be in my life, but I need to find myself and happiness. I need to show my son what it means to be a good role model. I’m doing this for him, because I can’t bare to have him look at his mom and see someone who is sad and giving up on life. That won’t be me anymore.

Advertisements