I don’t want to go back to work at the restaurant, but we are in desperate need for money. Therefore I must suck it up and go. Tonight will be my first night back, and it will be a long one. Normal shifts for restaurant workers in front of house (FOH) are like 4-6 hours… Tonight I will be working closer to 8 hours. This is the longest I have ever been away from my nugget and I am not coping well with it. If you read my earlier posts, I have had a lot of trouble relinquishing control to my significant other and allowing him to do things his way in terms of interaction and raising the nugget. Well this is a huge test for both of us; his first time being alone for this many hours with our son and my first time being away from the nugget. I am kind of hoping to get a call from him during my shift panicking and telling me there is no way for him to soothe our son. I really hope this happens, because then I will feel needed. On the other hand, I hope it is a success and he can take care of our son by himself. I know I will always be needed and never be replaced… But the thought of missing out on anything happening makes me so sad.

 Unfortunately he has this brilliant idea of inviting friends over so he doesn’t get “bored.” I find that cheating, and therefore he is not alone with our son, he will have others there that are good with kids and know what to do. Plus, how can you get bored with your son? That’s quite rude, isn’t it? What a cop out! He’s cheating! Hah, if only this were that type of game. But this also shows me that maybe he just isn’t ready to be alone with him for that long of a period, he is just as nervous as me. We are both stubborn as all hell so I know he won’t call me during my shift, probably won’t even fess up in a text message that our son is being a handful. I just hope everything goes well tonight. 

That’s is not even hitting on the fact that I am scared out of my mind of being without my son at work. I think I might have a break down. And then there’s the problem of having to go and pump during my shift. It’s not a problem, obviously I am allowed to, it’s just having to kick people out of the managers office (a lot of times the servers hang out in there or when someone is off they hang in there) and then put on a cover up to pump because there are cameras all over. Don’t really want to be flashing the owner with my huge swollen boobs. 

I need support and I need to know I won’t break down and cry tonight. I have to give myself the benefit of the doubt. And I pray pray pray that our son is awake when I get home so I hold him and squeeze him. Oh gosh, I hope he is!! 

One scared and anxious momma signing out. I’ll let you readers know what happens after tonight!