So I have a dilemma… There is something very important I need to say to the father of my baby, and his reaction and response will determine our future. Pretty heavy shit.. Huh? 

The only problem is, I am not confrontational, I have a problem with speaking my feelings and burst into tears quickly. Not to mention I cave easily and back down from arguments in order to keep the peace. I hate being this way… I always scream at myself that I need to be braver and stronger and stand up for myself. (I portray myself to others as being this strong woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone, but that is just a facade.. If I like you, I will do anything to make you like me back, and quieting my thoughts and views is a way I do it.) 

Let me take you back to where this kind of thinking came from…as a child I was always on the shyer side of the spectrum, quiet unless spoken to, good grades, book worm, teachers pet… But then I got sick of being like that around tenth grade and I tried to change myself. I succeeded in changing my outside appearance but not the inside… That is where I failed miserably. On the outside I portrayed myself as this bad chick that took no shit, but on the inside I was a scared little girl always worried about consequences. Then I met this guy (an ex boyfriend now) and he was a bad boy.. He had the whole image down; had a DUI so he couldn’t drive, smoked weed and drank (way too much) and was the epitome of what I knew my parents would hate. We dated after being friends for years, what I didn’t know was he had a dark side. And all too soon into the relationship, he got violent… Abusive in all aspects; emotionally, physically, mentally, verbal, economically and sexually… It was a greeeeeaaatttt relationship… My first real one at that. Lucky me… That is how I base all relationships on, so if he isn’t doing those things to me I think we are ok, or if they aren’t to that scale then they are ok. But they are not ok! Read the signs and get out while you can! It’s never too late to get out, I need to take my own advice sometimes. And now being one of those times! I know how to dish it out but not always take it. 

So now you know my back story.. I’m not going into details about the exact moment I realized I needed to get out of that (old) relationship, but if some one is interested in knowing how or what or why or have any questions I will go into detail.

But to get back on topic!! 

I was telling myself all day how I was going to sit the father of my child down and give him some ultimatums, but then he got home and I chickened out. ๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ” so I have decided if I can’t verbally say it, why not write it? I mean, I am good at getting things out on paper and making my voice heard… So I am going to Make sure I get out EVERYTHING I need to get out and make sure he understands how I feel and what changes need to be made. One of the nice ladies, singlemomscorner (I’m sorry I don’t know how to link to your blog) gave me the idea to write a letter and let him read it alone. So I think I will try that! 

Any opinions on that? I would love to hear from ya! 

Thank you all for reading this ridiculously long rant.. And if you tried to read it but were like ” damn, this chick wrote a damn novel, I don’t have time for this shit” that’s ok too.

Advertisements