Not sure if this is how things will keep going… It’s definitely opened my eyes.
It started on Friday.. I went to the parents house to hang out and get out of the apartment when my significant other went to work. He planned on going to the beach after work to surf for a bit. Well that late night surf turned into him being pretty tired and not really wanting to drive home afterwards. You see we live about 25-30ish minutes from the beach and he really wanted to surf the next mornin too, so he stayed at a friends house and crashed on the couch so he could wake up extra early to get some surfing in. And that night I was fine with him doing that, I didn’t want to make the trek home either, and figured I would just spend the night at my parents.
I was planning on going to the parents house already the next day to look at cars with my pops. So instead of driving home I stayed the night at the parents. It was a terrible night, didn’t get any sleep and had no one to snuggle up to or talk to during the night. But that’s ok, I thought, luckily this isn’t an every day thing and I normally have some extra support from the dad.
My mom really helped out today and took care of the nugget the majority of the day, letting me get things done and I just needed to feed him when he got hungry. Day turned to night and I get a text from my other half asking how my day was and if I was home… I told him how exhausted I was from the day but I was packing up to go home and asked when he was going home. That was when I got the shocking news… He told me “he wasn’t sure he was going to come home, they were barbecuing and hanging out…” Etc etc etc.
now I was like “whaaaaat the hell?” What happened to us being a family? Why are you staying out all weekend? Don’t you miss your son? Don’t you miss me? I don’t know if this is going to be a recurring thing, luckily I am welcome to stay at my parents house, but if this is what it will be like, I’m in for a big change. I don’t know what to think.
I’ll admit I got my pride kind of bruised and immediately began thinking “well, if this is how it’s going to be, he can just pack up and get the hell out and I’ll move back home and he can do his own thing..” I know this is crazy! And you readers are probably like “girrrl, calm the eff down! I’m sure it’s not like that” and I realize this is just my damn hormones elevated and playing tricks and making my brain all jumbled.. (For those who don’t know, I am only 5 weeks postpartum) but unfortunately this is where my brain went. And I’m still pretty pissed about this whole thing. I gotta get it out… I gotta shout from the rooftop FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK YOU!!!
I feel a little better just writing this all out, but not that much. Mostly because I feel hopeless, and I hate feeling hopeless and like I need to depend on others for things. I should just feel grateful that my parents and younger brother are here for me and allow me to sleep over and feed me and shelter me and open their arms and heart to me whenever I need them. But feeling so vulnerable makes me angry. And I wish I could change that. I want to be able to just accept the help with a smile and be content, not feel guilty because I can’t provide for my child. I want to give him everything I have and love him every second of the day. I want to show him how to treat women the right way and to grow up and graduate college and get a good job and be happy. Most important is to be happy and be yourself. Because no matter what, I will love you, my son, no matter what you do, who you become.. My love for you is unconditional. And I hope and pray that one day you will be able to feel this type of love. I love you, son… For right now, more than you will ever know.