Yesterday was the most challenging day I have faced and it wasn’t even that challenging. I know there will be worse days; ones that will bring me to tears, have me locking myself in a room and calling for help.
The little nugget let me get about 3 hours of sleep last night, that might even be pushing it and for the whole day he was awake, feeding pretty much every hour. When he was awake he was only content for ten minutes after a feeding and then would get fussy and start crying. By about 5pm I had had enough, my head was killing me, I felt queasy and I was downright exhausted. I drank probably 9 or 10 water bottles during the day, and still felt dehydrated! Well duh! You have a little one attached at the nip depleting you of everything.
It took a lot out of me, I couldn’t even stay up to watch my favorite show, Empire, and I had to ask for help. I hate showing people my weakness. And it isn’t even like a random person, it’s my fiancé. But I didn’t want him to worry so I didn’t want to say anything and cause more stress. But I finally hit a breaking point around 8:30pm. There was no way I was going to be able to keep my eyes open or feed my child or keep a sane and level head for the night if I did not get sleep now and have him give him a bottle (feed because i literally felt my boobs deflating and resembling pancakes since they had no time to fill up again). So of course I made myself stay awake and wait for fiancé to heat up the bottle to give to our little one. I was afraid that I was barely producing any milk and he wasn’t getting much of anything which was resulting in eating every hour. So while my fiancé was feeding our nugget, I kissed them goodnight and went to sleep. I have now woken, FIVE HOURS LATER (whaaaat this is unheard of! I got to sleep for five whole hours straight!!???) more rested, but also in a state of panic (that isn’t the right word, but I am done trying to think of a different one)… the only problem is (my reason for panic), I have no idea how much my fiancé gave him to eat. And he won’t remember in the morning. <insert eye rolling> and we have probably lost something valuable like the brand new bottle nipples or he changed out the nipple that he thinks is good but it’s really too fast at letting milk out and over fed him. These are the fears I have, that I am the only one that knows how much to feed him. I know it’s ridiculous but if you heard some of the questions the fiancé asked you would be worried too!
The little one fed for a little and now has gone back to sleep which is what I need to do too. Good night world, until we meet again… May it be 2 hours from now or more or less.
Sending love out to the struggling mommas xoxo