I do not have a full time job. I do not have a high paying job. In fact, I am quite disappointed in my life choices up till finding out I was pregnant. I am a simple hostess making $10 an hour and getting little in tips. I was supposed to be getting maternity disability through the government and I messed up my paperwork and was then left with no money. I have no money. I have no money to eat. I had to dip into savings to pay rent. I lucked out and was given money to help pay for my sons circumcision, bawling my eyes out when said friend presented me with the money. I wish I could have it all figured out, already graduated college and have a high paying job that pays for maternity leave. I chose the hard way in life. Even though my fiancé is here, he doesn’t have a steady full time job either. I won’t go into details on that, this blog is not to trash my relationship, just allow me to vent.
And today, I woke up from a nap… In a hot and stuffy apartment and cranky as all hell. I know my mom was just trying to help and suggest that maybe I have my doctor contact the unemployment agency to try to get paid for not being able to work and correct my mess up. I am too down in the dumps and convinced i deserve to suffer this mess up that I did to myself.
Yes, I have and still do (probably) suffer from depression. I was put on medication when I was 15 years old, and took medicine for the next 10 years with minimal mood swings and no more thoughts of hurting myself. Then I found out I was pregnant, I was scared that I would hurt myself since I had to stop the medicine, but I didn’t, I had next to no signs of depression. I think I was actually pretty normal and quite happy during my whole pregnancy, minus a few crazy moments… But now, I don’t know… I don’t know if it is baby blues or post partum depression. I find myself crying for no reason, but not every day , not even every week… Just when I am incredibly stressed out. I don’t want to vent to someone and have them offer to help me. Because what I really need is answers to my questions. I want to know how this huge chapter will turn out. Will I be able to afford everything? Will my relationship hold together? Will I crumble and fall apart? Will I get a better job? Go back to school and finish? Make the money I need to make? Will my fiancé get a steady job and help me with the bills? Or will we always be struggling and barely scraping by and taking money from friends and family all the time? These things constantly run through my head and bring me down. What will I do? I need the answers.